New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
