maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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