I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Randomize
