How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Randomize
