I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Randomize
