I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
