Soap is not a condiment
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
