remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
there was a trapeze. enough said
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
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