judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
