Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
