Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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