mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I just gargled with NyQuil
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
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