The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
