i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
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