Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
