I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
