I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Randomize
