I'm jealous of your bromance
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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