remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
