you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
