I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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