There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
