there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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