I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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