Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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