Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
