Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
