just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
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