Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Randomize
