dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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