We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
i think i have herpe
just one?
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Randomize