if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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