so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize
