i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I didn't notice because vodka
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
