I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
