You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
