Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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