yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
