Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
