Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
