You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
