dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
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