Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
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