i just had sex bonerless
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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