you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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