I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
