I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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