the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
