My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
