I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
