It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
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