My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
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