You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize