after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Cover your peen. We're going out.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
