You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
