I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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