I haven't been this sober since birth.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
porn star boner night. come get it.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize