I wish I could punch you in the face.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
