so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
This beer is not sobering me up at all
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
