I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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