I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
