Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
