You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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