here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
This is my gift to your gina
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
