I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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