There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
