my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
